Parental guilt. It's a beast that rears its ugly head when you least expect it. We all have it to some degree and dare I say it never really goes away, even when our children are grown. Parental guilt can be best described as the feeling of not doing enough, not being a good enough parent, or not making the right decisions for your child.
Picture this, you bring your baby home from the hospital where breast feeding seemed like a breeze. Babe nailed the latch, their suck and swallow was strong and the nurses cheered you on like you won the Olympics because babe gained weight beautifully. Fast forward 3 weeks later and you and babe are both in tears. Your baby doesn't seem to want to latch and you just want your precious human to eat so you don't have to call the clinic and ask for a weight check. You call anyways because you're concerned and anxious. Babe isn't gaining weight. The clinic suggests you see a lactation consultant. Cue the mom guilt. You wonder what YOU'RE doing wrong; if you ate something you shouldn't have and now baby has gas and that's why they aren't eating; if you're supply is enough to even feed your baby; if you should supplement with formula, etc. You see the lactation consultant and find out your baby has a posterior tongue tie that was missed upon initial check in hospital. It's not your fault baby is having a hard time latching but somehow the guilt remains. This was me. Our story.
Parenting was so much easier when I raised my non-existent children hypothetically. But for real, we all at some point or another have experienced parental guilt. Maybe you were swamped with work emails all day and you wonder if you spent enough time playing with your kid(s). Perhaps you needed a night away to do something to find you again- who you were before having a baby and meet who you are now, but you can't seem to stop feeling guilty that you're not at home. Maybe you let your little one watch more television than you wanted. Or maybe you raised your voice at your child today and now you can't stop thinking about what sort of damage you've caused them. The pressure to be an exemplary parent has never been at the forefront quite as much as it's been of late. It can fill a new parent with self doubt or have an experienced parent second guessing their parenting choices. I'm here to tell you that you're SUPPOSED to care but that you are allowed to make mistakes and you're going to make mistakes. Sprouts don't come with a manual, although could you imagine just how much simpler it would be if they did? The beauty in all of this is that you are learning and growing along with them. Acknowledging that we are works in progress ourselves is perhaps the most liberating thing we can do- that we are all learning is a simple fact without any judgement.
Always remember that feeling guilty doesn't mean you are guilty. Usually this feeling is due to our own perceived external expectations that we don't believe we're meeting. This isn't useful though as it adds to a shame cycle that blocks our own self love. Here's some advice I offer new parents that are struggling under the pressure of society to be an exemplary parent. LISTEN to your child and do the BEST you can do. Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a world renowned clinical psychologist recommends parents, "Be the parent you need to be for your children, not the parent you think you should be." Children are AMAZING teachers of some of the most profound lessons I've learned. The key is we need to listen and follow their lead. If you can consciously parent and trust your child that they know what they need, the guilt WILL lessen.
"There is no such thing as a perfect parent, so just be a real one"- Sue Atkins
If you are struggling with parental guilt I want you to know you're not alone and that there are a few strategies you can implement to help yourself cope. Another great life lesson to remember is that your children do NOT need a perfect parent but they DO NEED a happy one. Here are a few key strategies to keep in mind:
Your family, your rules: You do not have to follow what your neighbours, best friend, or other parents you know or on social media are doing, but you do have to make informed decisions for your family. Do your research and ensure to take note of your child's strengths and welcome opportunities that will allow them to shine or work on them in a safe space. This will give you both confidence and competence simultaneously.
Don't use social media as your comparison: What you see online is most likely a highlight reel and not real life. Remember that EVERY child is different and develops differently. Comparing your child or family to those you see on social media is a sure fire way to feel as though you're failing real quick. Remember to always keep perspective when scrolling.
Balance is hard for everyone: some families seem to have it all figured out but I can assure you almost every family struggles to find the balance between personal time, couple time, family time, sports and leisure activities, etc. Remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but rather where you water it. Sometimes you'll have brown spots on your lawn because you've been busy and neglecting one area. Take a breath, and recognize that this is an invitation to slow down and take some time for other areas of your life. Finding the balance won't be easy but as your children grow and become more independent it will come.
Take time for yourself: you cannot pour from an empty cup. It's true. Sadly as parents' we generally look after our children first, then the house and bills, everything else that we need to do, and then we put ourselves last. I want you to remember that by taking the time to fill up your own cup and do something for you, not only will you be a happier more relaxed parent, but you are also showing and TEACHING your children the importance of self care. Now I want to add that self care can be a bubble bath, going for coffee with a friend, going for dinner with your spouse, etc.; but it also should include trying to get some sunlight, prioritizing quality sleep, eating whole and nutritious foods, exercising to benefit from endorphins and allowing stress relief, etc. Start small and try to make it a habit. Small habits can lead to big rewards. In this case, you will become a healthier and happier parent and everyone benefits from this.
Remember to practice regulating your own emotions: as a conscious parent you spend a ton of time helping to regulate your child's emotions. We must remember as parents' that YOU need emotional refuelling. Sometimes this is doable on your own- working on breathing, journalling, or meditation. Sometimes this means quality, child-free time interacting with other calm and soothing adults.
Sometimes we just need a mantra, in the moment, to remind ourselves that we're doing a great job. Here are some of my favourites:
I am not a bad parent. My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.
I am a good parent who sometimes makes mistakes. I know that I have the opportunity to repair with my child and this opportunity teaches my children how to repair.
The quality of our relationship isn't defined by one moment of ______ (anger, sadness, etc.).
I am a good parent and I have a need to care for myself. In this moment I need ______.
The thing about parental guilt is that we can either let it swallow us up, taking us out of the present moment with our children and family, or we can choose to sit with it. Sit with it, acknowledge it, feel it, ask yourself if this is truly something to change or just an unmet external expectation, let it go and choose to be compassionate towards yourself. Parenthood can be messy. Life can be hard. Be kind to yourself and offer yourself some grace.
"Parenting has nothing to do with perfection. Perfection isn't even the goal, not for us, not for our children. Learning together to live well in an imperfect world, loving each other despite or even because of our imperfections, and growing as humans while we grow our little humans, those are the goals....So don't ask yourself at the end of the day if you did everything right. Ask yourself what you learned and how well you loved, then grow from your answer." -L.R. Knost
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