Dear Me,
Who knew that having a small human would change so much of who I am and how I choose to live life, speak, act, and carry myself? Who knew that there was so much healing that had to happen? Certainly not me, or maybe I was just naïve to those facts. Either way, I just want to take a moment and tell you how proud you should be. You've come such a long way from the person you thought you were going to become, and most importantly, how you thought you would raise your children.
You see it isn't easy learning how to self-regulate once you have a child. This is a skill that truly should have been taught to you at a very young age by your parents. Spoiler alert, it wasn't. What I did get taught was when you're upset you yell, you blame, and there's no room for compromise. The end. Rinse, dry, and repeat. This wasn't so much the case with my father as he was more level headed, willing to see both sides and come to a compromise within reason. For the majority of my life, I didn't learn any self-regulation tools until I became a parent. That sounds so horrible. But the truth is usually ugly and unfavorable. All through University and my professional career I thought I knew what self-regulation tools were and thought I used them well. It turns out, I just avoided the confrontation and my trauma, because as the ego naturally does, I protected myself.
When you grow to be an adult, you don't think about the trauma that consciously or unconsciously weighs on you. You look in the mirror and see yourself- the version of you that has always been labelled. "Strong, Independent, Stubborn, Headstrong, Micromanaging, Bossy, etc." the list goes on. But when you stop and think about this, you realize that all of these descriptive words were really a survival mechanism. You had to be those "things" in order to protect yourself....but did you actually have to? No. I will spare you the finer details and A-HA moments, but just know that you Ash have had the lightbulb moment.
Prior to becoming a mother you're going to think you're 90% raising your child(ren) the way your parent's raised you. And maybe you will. Some do and some don't, but I say to each their own. Once that sweet little baby boy gets placed in your arms and you hear his tiny whimper of a cry, your whole world will be turned upside down. You'll start finding yourself staring at his face, studying all his wrinkles, dimples, the little lines of his face, the way his cheeks fill out, his hairline, etc., and you'll wonder who he'll become. Then you'll start to think of what you want to give this small human- not just physical safety, shelter or food, but emotional intelligence, coping mechanisms, etc., that you're mind will start to wander. It'll wonder how you couldn't fathom yelling at your child when they accidentally spilled water on the floor, even though that happened to you. It'll wonder about the time you were yelled at for not putting the clothes from the washer to the dryer, and you'll come to resent it. How could a parent treat their child this way. No, not you. You're going to flip the script. You are going to be the one to stop the generational trauma in your family.
It's going to be a HUGE feat. One that takes conscious action each and every day. You're going to learn how to regulate yourself in the middle of your baby screaming because he won't latch. You're going to learn to regulate yourself while your toddler tantrums for 10 minutes because you wouldn't let him play anymore at supper time. You're going to learn to regulate yourself when your low on sleep, you feel the weight of the world, and your husband asks if he can go out, when all you want is a break. It's going to be really hard. You're not always going to get it right. But the best part of getting it wrong is that you're going to learn to apologize. That's a foreign concept to you- parent's apologizing; but you're going to do it, and it's going to be empowering. Empowering for you and your son. For your husband. For every relationship you have.
Conscious parenting is going to become a fiber in your being. You're going to embody it and practice it daily. I say practice because it truly does take a conscious practice to show up for your child(ren) every day in a way that is present, acknowledging, and open. You are going to get mocked and get told there's no way it works and your child(ren) will be spoiled brats. You're going to get shamed for doing something that goes against the grain, against what you've been taught and told forever. You're going to lose friends and family over it- this one stings the most. You're going to get left out of things for the way you've chosen to raise your sprout(s). At first this is going to frustrate you and make you really sad. However, you're going to realize that it's remarkable how the universe works to remove others' from your path and introduces you to the people meant to be in your village. You will find a sense of belonging again, however, you know your okay to march to the beat of your own drum for as long as needed and if needed.
Along this journey and finding a new village, you're going to have to look inwards. You're going to have to address the demons, the memories, the crap you've been stuffing back, pretending it doesn't exist. You're going to stand and stare at yourself in the mirror, allowing all the words- the good, the bad, and the ugly- to come rushing out. You're going to sit with this, allowing yourself the freedom of knowing you're not all of these things, that they're just thoughts. You're going to go to therapy- a LOT of therapy. You're going to find out that while it does help, you still feel the weight of the world, like it's stuck in your body despite laying it out on the table for a therapist or psychologist. You're going to find body work. You're going to pour your life savings (not really, but you definitely spent a small fortune) into Bodytalk, Craniosacral Therapy, Bowen, Specialized Kinesiology, learning how to properly breathe, and meditation. You're going to realize as you lay on those tables, that all the trauma you think you've addressed and handled has been STUCK in your fascia, tight and angry. You're going to see that little girl- the younger version of you. You're going to have to tell her it's okay, that she's safe and loved. You're going to have to show her you can give her what she needed. You're going to shed copious amounts of tears on those tables, being at your most vulnerable state in front of the practitioners' you trust. You're going to walk away from each session feeling like a new human and a thousand pounds lighter. You are going to smile, laugh, and find joy in the mundane again. You're going to learn how to communicate with your husband better and your child, more aware of their feelings, not making it all about you and your trauma. You're going to recognize when things don't go as planned, you lose your temper, etc that you can pinpoint which trauma is rearing its ugly head. You'll squash that. You'll apologize. You'll try again.
You see, having a small human is going to change you in the most profound ways. You will be your child's teacher, no doubt, but they are your biggest mirror. Whatever they're expressing, and however they're expressing it, directly mirrors you. It sounds silly but it's true. You're going to find the connections, connect the dots, and it's going to shock you. They are your teacher. To ask yourself what you would have needed in those moments as a child and to grant them that will change not only your trauma, but it will set your child on a better path than was laid out for you. Your little boy, your first born, your baby- he's amazing. He's gentle, determined, empathetic, silly with a great sense of humor, cuddly, sharp, thoughtful, curious, loving, and aware- and he's not even 2. You will see how much your choices of parenting him consciously are already showing.
But you Ash, you are an amazing mama. Sometimes you're going to forget this and you're going to feel unworthy. You're going to question how you got so lucky. That you're undeserving of the love your husband and son give you. You're going to ponder on all the moments, things said, or things done that you could have done more or done better. No. Not today. You are going to marvel on your life instead of question it. You're going to look at your husband, study the lines on his face as his eyes crinkle to smile at you across the room. You're going to marvel at the tiny little hand that holds yours as you snuggle your son to sleep and he asks you to sing "Baby Shark" for the 100000th time. You're going to smile, from the corners of not just your eyes, but your heart.
I'm here to tell you to come back and read this letter, if ever you start to doubt yourself again, because you got this. YOU GOT THIS. You are present, you love unconditionally, and you are worthy and deserving of the same love that you give. You are not your trauma. You are not your thoughts. You are loved. You are enough. You matter.
-All my love, Me.
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