You always see books, hear of podcasts, or hear a friend's tale of how a relationship changes after you have a baby. Maybe you're like me and you thought you built a solid foundation to stand on that nothing, not even a small little sprout, could tremble that foundation and send tiny fragments crumbling down.
Having a baby irrevocably changes you. It just does. It also changes your relationship with your significant other. Sometimes that change can be really, really hard on a couple. A little sprout needs A LOT of care and attention. The need to care 24/7 for your baby, along with a dash of sleep deprivation, stress, work, financial changes, lack of personal space or time, lack of time as a couple, and just trying to find the time to take a hot shower or eat a meal while it's hot can add up real quick. Sometimes this can look like parental burnout or spousal resentment, and this requires you and your partner to call in help (to watch your sweet little one) while you have a serious discussion. Other times this can mean you just need to tell your partner you need 5 minutes to take a hot shower and drink your coffee hot- in silence, alone. Whatever the issue, learning to communicate and be respectful of your partner's feelings and needs will go a long way in ensuring relationship health.
It is so easy to lose sight of who you were as an individual and as a couple before you become a parent. In her book, "Eat, Sleep, Poop & Repeat", Becky mentions Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist who states: "Research shows us that a relationship that's not given attention will only get worse." She adds, "If you sit back and do nothing, the relationship will deteriorate-you'll just be co-parents arguing about tasks. You have to put work into it for it to remain the same, and work even harder to improve it." (Mauer, 2019)
The good news? Even though your relationship has changed, the change allows you to grow together, to work on yourselves and your relationship together, and build an even stronger foundation for any future shocks that come along and try to rock your core.
I want to take one quick second and make an obvious point.....that sometimes isn't so obvious at the moment. Your partner is ALSO going to be going through a lot of new changes and challenges as well...not just you. There I said it, it's out there. Now we can address this. One of the big things I hear from friends and have even noticed in my own relationship with my husband, is that YOU become so focused on all the changes happening in your own body, roles, and newfound motherhood (or parenthood), that you sort of unintentionally forget that your partner's world changed too. You see them using the washroom without baby crying, you see them sleeping while you feed babe, etc. Now this isn't always true. In fact my husband got up with me and our son EACH and EVERY time he needed to feed in the night for a WHOLE year (partly because I exclusively pumped after 9 weeks). That man deserves a medal, mostly for putting up with me in the middle of the night, but also because he was our biggest supporter.
Sometimes communication can become only business talk about baby or sometimes it can become a competition of who is more tired. Remember, with each child this change will affect both of you even more. You may find yourself resorting back to old, unhealthy thinking patterns from moments that trigger you. Maybe you'll find your mentality to be the victim mindset or it's unfair, etc. But in order to grow together you also both have to work on yourself, your habits, and your triggers. This involves understanding why you feel triggered. One of my favourite authors, Nicole LePera offers a great resource in her book titled, "How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self". Nicole states in her book:
“There is tremendous freedom in not believing every thought we have and understanding that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. Our minds are powerful tools, and if we do not become consciously aware of the disconnection between our authentic Selves and our thoughts, we give our thoughts too much control in our daily lives.”
“Healing is a daily event. You can’t “go somewhere” to be healed; you must go inward to be healed. This means a daily commitment to doing the work. You are responsible for your healing and will be an active participant in that process. Your level of activity is directly connected to your level of healing. Small and consistent choices are the path to deep transformation.”
To me these quotes speak volumes. Especially when addressing our triggers, whether that be from our child, our spouse, or anyone or circumstance that allows us to fall into old thinking patterns. By choosing to acknowledge that not every thought we have is the truth, but rather our ego trying to protect us from pain, we can start to unravel these thoughts that can push us further away from our partners. Changing your thought narrative and patterns can do wonders for your own health and also your relationship. Parenting is HARD! Finding a way to work together and not be at war with each other will also go a long way in helping you stay and feel connected.
Parenting duties aside, it truly is important to make time for each other. Trust me when I say I know it is NOT easy. Where in the hustle and bustle of a newborn or multiple children and schedules do you find the time to do this? Let me tell you, it doesn't have to be BIG date nights out of the house or extravagant holidays with just the two of you. I mean if that works for you and your partner, you have the means, and the time, GO FOR IT! For others' and even myself and my husband, sometimes that looks like carving out even just 20 minutes once the kids are asleep to sit down with no distractions (phones, television, computers, etc.) and just connect. Ask how each of you are doing? What do you need from each other? How can you best support each other? Other times, this can look like a movie night together where you get each of your favourite snacks; or play a game you both love and can just relax and chat while you play; or maybe it's doing yoga or a workout together. Whatever it is, just ensure you are both giving each other your attention and loving care.
Don't forget to schedule some intimate time as well, and yes I said schedule. Sometimes once you have a child, or multiple children, it can be really hard to find spontaneous moments when you both are feeling it with little eyes and ears around. It doesn't always line up with your child's or children's need for needing at least one of you. So schedule it in, especially if you're finding it's lacking, and take the time to reconnect and find the joy in your sex life again. In saying this, I do want to acknowledge that after pushing out a small human, things are a little different for most women. Body confidence, body changes, different sensations, pain, and the weight of the mental load of parenting can all change how you perceive and feel during intimate moments. If you have adopted or had your baby via surrogacy you have still gone through an emotional rollercoaster that can leave you exhausted with sex as the last thing on your mind. Please know you should do what feels best for you and your body. I encourage you to have those conversations with your significant other and be honest and real about any thoughts, feelings, or struggles you're having. You are a team after all. Becky in her book, "Eat, Sleep, Poop & Repeat" states, "The best way to stay connected is communication. Hold each other and continue to talk about love, pleasure, and intimacy. Your sexual desire will return, all is not lost forever!"
Your partner should be your number one. Yes, it's true. I know your child needs lots from you right now, but one day that sweet sprout is going to flourish into a young adult and drift off into the world and plant their own seeds. If you've made the choice to ignore your relationship, you're going to be staring at your partner wondering who they are? What are their interests? Do you even have anything in common anymore? You get my point. Try to make your partner your number one priority and work together to make your children your biggest joint priority. It is CRITICAL that you maintain contact- eye contact, physical contact, and emotional contact- little touches so that you can truly SEE and FEEL each other. To let each other know, you're there, you care, you love each other, and ultimately you are always in each other's corner.
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